Sighs of relief, all round.
- Sandra Verhoeff
- Aug 24
- 5 min read
Luke completed his first university course, despite not having any formal K-12 education.
It was so hard.
Luke had severe exam anxiety.
In fact, Luke had anxiety throughout the course.
****
June 2–4
Madison, Luke, and I had a writing retreat in Kelowna specifically for Luke’s English course final 1000-word essay. We also were able to schedule a visit to our naturopath, which Madison attended, allowing Luke to talk directly to the doctor about his medical concerns. One of his biggest issues was anxiety.
What did you think about the naturopath appointment? THE ANXIETY READING WAS VERY VALIDATING. [The naturopath provided a remedy to help level out Luke’s askew brain chemistry].
Tell me more, how was it validating? MY ANXIETY HAS GOTTEN DEBILITATING.
Worse than when I [Madison] saw you last? IN SOME WAYS YES. I'M SO OUT OF ROUTINE.
Following travel [trip to Holland May 9-19]? YES. I’M DESPERATE TO SLOW DOWN.
What feels most overwhelming? NOT GETTING ENOUGH TIME AT HOME. NOT GOING TO LIE, I ALMOST WANT TO CANCEL JULY.
What about July? MOUNTAIN TRIP AND CALGARY. [Luke wanted to celebrate his 21st birthday in the mountains, and the following week we were planning to drive to Calgary to write his exam at Madison’s office].
Due to being overwhelmed? YES. I’M BURNT OUT AND SCHOOL IS A LOT TO IMAGINE.
What do you think about the final assignment this week [1000-word essay about Pride & Prejudice]? MY BRAIN CAN HARDLY PROCESS.
Anything we can do to help? I KNOW I HAVE TO PUSH THROUGH.
He churned out and finished the final essay—spelling one letter-at-a-time—and then he couldn’t sleep. I shared the room with him, and he lay awake for hours, and hours, and hours. We finally got up at 5am, had a coffee, and tried to relax. He had not slept at all. When we finally had a chance to chat with Madison, this is what he said…
How's it going this morning? I LET MY ANXIETY RUN WILD LAST NIGHT.
What were you feeling anxious about? MY ASSIGNMENT.
How are you feeling now? HUNGOVER FROM ANXIETY.
How can we support you? NOT SURE.
I AM AFRAID OF THE CRITICISM.
Could you try to be kinder to yourself? I’M MY OWN BIGGEST CRITIC.
Why? NOT SURE.
Does mom put pressure on you? SOMETIMES, BUT I KNOW IT’S BECAUSE YOU WANT THE BEST FOR ME.
We talked about strategies and coping mechanisms to deal with anxiety, and how he needs to give himself grace. I AM OVERWHELMED, BUT BLESSED.
I AM SO SORRY I CAN’T STAY.
We had to leave. He had to get home, like now. Madison changed her flight to leave earlier and we were able to drop her off at the Kelowna airport, and head home.
I’d never seen Luke so debilitated by his anxiety. It was a bit scary, and sad.
And he still had to write his exam.
****
June 24
We chatted with Luke about the exam, and how he was feeling…
How would you manage if you were just given the exam on the day with an online proctor? REALLY DIFFICULT TO KNOW. I AM SURE I CAN’T DO IT.
Luke shared with us: I HAVE A VERY HARD TIME ON THE FLY. I NEED TIME.
Do you need time to pre-write it in your head? YES.
What’s the process? PROCESSING IN MY MIND IS HARD TO EXPLAIN. SEEING IT AS IMAGES. I GET A VERY CLEAR IDEA ABOUT HOW I WRITE BY VISUALIZING.
We then had a meeting with the Thompson Rivers University (TRU) Accommodations team, including Matt Dyck (Associate Director, Student Engagement & Experience), Luke, Brittney, Madison, and Tod (Supervisor of Exams), and we shared Luke’s thoughts about the exam.
Luke was very open about his anxiety.
And yes, everyone gets exam anxiety. But this is different. So different. And we were just learning how Luke “processes” and sees/thinks visually. (So intriguing!!)
Everyone was understanding, and Luke was offered the opportunity to do a take-home exam. He would be able to review the questions and have as much time as he needed to complete it. We were so relieved, and grateful. TRU has been amazing with their support and encouragement during this whole university experience.
****
July 11
We received access to the exam July 10 at midnight, so I read Part 1 (multiple choice) and Part 2 (short essay) to him. We drove to Langley that night and met with Madison for two 1-hour sets on Thursday July 11.
He did Part 1, multiple choice, in the first hour.
In the second hour, he started his outline for the Part 2 essay.
After the outline, we read him Part 3—the longer essay question.
At the end of the day, July 11… I'M FEELING GOOD ABOUT PART ONE.
Feel about the exam now? I'M MORE READY.
****
July 29–31
We did cancel his birthday trip, but we still had to drive to Calgary to finish the exam.
He had 6 hours, two hours each day: Tuesday July 29, Wednesday July 30, and Thursday July 31.
He chose to have his dad in the room with him. DAD, I'M CALM IN YOUR PRESENCE. I THINK YOU AND MOM BRING DIFFERENT ENERGIES AND I NEED YOURS FOR EXAMS.
He finished Part 2 on the Tuesday and started the outline for Part 3.
How do you feel about finishing Part 2? I HOPE IT'S GOOD ENOUGH.
He wrote Part 3 on Wednesday.
When he was finally finished the exam, we asked again how he was feeling. I'M SO DONE WITH IT. LIKE A FREE MAN. RELIEF IS OVERWHELMING.
What have you noticed? MY CHEST IS ACTUALLY LIGHTER.
You’ve just finished your first ever university course; how do you feel about that? I'M READY TO RUN FROM IT. IF I DRANK THIS WOULD BE GOOD REASON TO PARTY.
How do you want to celebrate? ICE CREAM AND A NICE CARNIVORE DINNER.
Dinner tonight? Big Sky? GIVE ME BBQ, YES.
Special thanks to our Calgary friends, Arlin & Heather Friesen, for taking us to Big Sky BBQ in Okotoks where Luke devoured all kinds of gluten free smoked and barbecued meat. There was even a sorbet ice cream stand nearby! The perfect way to celebrate!!!
We asked him the next day… how was the carnivore dinner? HOLY, IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
****
August
Friday, August 1st we uploaded the exam.
And then we waited.
And waited.
And checked again, no marks.
And again.
And again.
Painfully patient.
Monday, August 18, while hanging out camping at Luke’s Red Lake sanctuary, I was able to get online to check once again.
The results were in!
75% on his exam!!!!
B- overall!!!!
We were over-the-moon!
Tears of joy and pride, honouring Luke’s difficult journey to this amazing finale.
He is in there.
He is smart.
He just proved it, at a university level.
Validation.
Trail-blazing.
****
And his anxiety? IT WAVES, BUT IMPROVING.
Feel better with the course over? I THINK THAT WILL BE HUGE.
****
Soon after the exam/course results were posted, we took him out for dinner to celebrate, again. He loves the Tuna Poke “Good for the Soul Power Bowl” at the Great Canadian Brewhouse.
Congrats to you Luke, with love from our family. You did it. You rock.
****
Any final words? I’M LESS FOCUSED ON THE DIPLOMA NOW, AND MORE ON MY JOY.
****
P.S. It’s waaaay too soon to ask about the next course, lol, but the possible plan is a UBC-O poetry course in January.
P.P.S. We think Luke is the first Speller in B.C. to complete a university course!
